Mathmatical Impossibility

It occurred to me today as I was riding along in the beautiful early afternoon sun, with the window down and the music playing, that I have been greatly loved.  I guess it was the way it occurred to me that made it so special.  It wasn’t thought, per se, but I actually felt enveloped by my past loves.  Each of them had their different reasons for loving me, I’m sure, and not all points were congruous.  Some were probably not even valid!  But the sum total of them all hit me with this wonderful boost of how great I am.  I don’t lack for confidence in the relationship area, but there is a vast difference between feeling confident and feeling appreciated.  And it was that being appreciated aspect that swept over me and made me feel like a million bucks. 

A few miles down the road, as I came to myself, I thought – Well, if you are so wonderful how come none of these relationships ever lasted?  Again, the answers would have been varied and incongruous.  Yet I knew from the core of my being that what had been while it was, even though temporal, was completely valid and utterly beautiful. 

We are all just jars of clay and accidents happen.  Why is it that we deny the beauty of what once was by examining the evidence of the broken pieces?  We’re so hell bent on perfection that we don’t even value a piece of pottery that has a chip in it.  Let me tell you, I’ve been chipped, cracked, broken and ground into powder – more than once.  And somehow from that dust a new vessel was always shaped that provided service to others at least for a time before the same damn thing happened all over again.

All relationships end some day.  As an anniversary approaches, I am reminded of one that lasted for fourteen glorious years.  Through thick and thin my guy was there for me.  Oh, sure, it waned in time on his part.  After about five years or so, he no longer did cartwheels when I came home, but he loved me dearly as did I him.  We were inseparable, or so I thought.  Last year on May 1^st, 2010, he died.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Medication only dimmed the pain. It was at least six weeks before I could get through a day without crying.  It has only been recently that I realized that I let one tumultuous day out of his entire life spoil over 5,000 days of absolute bliss.  Mathematically, that doesn’t make sense.  I guess it was because I was saying to myself that I would never ever have this kind of love again.  And I may not. Words like “better to have loved than lost” were not only of no comfort but were utter sacrilege. 

From the pain of that loss that ground me to a powder, a new vessel has been formed like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Today I felt greatly loved and I felt worthy of it.  I will not let my future unknown days negate all the days of my past for I am sure that such is only possible in the mind of an ungrateful heart, as in reality it is a mathematical impossibility.